Divorced Dads Tips: Why We Offer Free Help For Divorced Dads Every Week

DISCLAIMER: The following is NOT legal advice, nor is it a substitute for legal advice. If you are in Family Court you will need legal advice, so please see a lawyer.

Heidi Nabert and I have been working on integrating new technology into building community amongst divorced dads worldwide. It’s interesting and rewarding work when we actually can help a divorced dad turn his situation around.

As part of our outreach programs for Divorced Dads around the world we conduct weekly Free teleseminars. We are also looking at offering future group training and coaching sessions.

Our promise and commitment to divorced dads is that if you begin the process of learning everything that you can, your situation will turn around. We have seen it happen countless times.

We have been doing this kind of work for over 14 years. Plus we have an added advantage when it comes to the insights necessary to begin unraveling these problems from a child’s perspective:

My own personal situation goes back to when I was 5 years old. I am happy to say I am 49 today, I have learned a tremendous amount about how you can turn the situation around. Unfortunately, it did not turn around for me, as a kid but I want to share with you how you can turn your situation around for the sake of your kids.

That is why Heidi and I do this work with divorced dads We are here because our hearts go out to your kids, having been one of those kids many years ago, we want to help their fathers understand the issues at stake for their kids from the child’s perspective.

I am sure that a lot of you know at least one other dad that might be going through this and going through a really difficult time. If you can reach out to someone when they are going through a difficult time, it helps them through the process and stay positive.

In the meantime here’s some ideas for you to consider in your situation:

You want to try and minimize some of the drama that is going on and obviously the children are very perceptive. They pick up on all the tension and start something up and stressing about — they are picking up on the stress. That is the last thing in the world that you want. So, just try make your time with the kids as enjoyable as possible instead of as perfect as possible.

Next with your Family Court situation: You can observe the action in the courtroom and, all kidding aside, I would definitely recommend if you are not available to go to a local court to watch what was going on, watch out Judge Judy. Again, I think it will teach you quite a bit about the law and how judges make decisions that might help you understand better what is going on with your own case.

Finally, stay focused, healthy and strong while learning the value of flexibility. We teach specific strategies to keep you at your best for the stressful situations you will face. Burt you must be ready to implement what we teach you.

The thing is this: Almost 20 years ago I was in your situation. And now today with Heidi, we help men around the world solve their problems. I could never have know that being a loving dedicated father to my children would result in the work I’m engaged in today.

You never know where your choices will lead you.

I do know this “I was not about to be steamrollered into a non-existent role in our children’s lives by an uncaring bureaucratic system designed by lawyers.”

Not that I have anything against good lawyers. Its just finding them is very difficult if you don’t know how?

The thing is this: I discovered just how little value was placed by society in my worth as a father to the children. That’s just plain wrong and bad public policy. The foundation of all civilization is the family, the first group of people we learn how to belong with. When you destroy that foundation, you erode the basis of a functioning society that has decided to band together for the common good, which is the noblest of human aspirations.

When we remove Dad from the equation, we remove the natural protector of the family from the mix. And look at the results after the failed social experiment divorce has become.

Every time you take a look at the anger of today’s youth, you are looking at the underbelly of divorce.

And that concerns me deeply someday I hope to be around to enjoy my great-great grandchildren. It’s my job and our collective responsibility to leave the world better than we found it.

If those of us of character and ability don’t stand up and do something, we will have failed our children and their children and their children’s children miserably by leaving behind a legacy where there is no meaningful experience of family left.

We owe it not only to ourselves, but to each other to turn that around before we pass the torch to the next generation. That is our war: World Peace Begins at Home.

You can’t expect a peaceful world to emerge, when we can’t even have peace on the home front.

Think about it.

Danny Guspie – Executive Director of Fathers Resources International can help you learn the successful strategies of fathers who have won in Family Court. Join us on our weekly calls at DivorcedDadWeekly.com where we will share with you what works for successful divorced dads.

Divorced Dads Tips: The Difference Between Parental Alienation Syndrome & Mommy Manipulation!

DISCLAIMER: The following is NOT legal advice, nor is it a substitute for legal advice. If you are in Family Court you will need legal advice, so please see a lawyer.

We’ve seen a number of cases over the years of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) over the years. To be clear: It is not a recognized medical syndrome. And, it is often overused and inappropriately by divorced dads, it can torpedo their case fast simply because it is a simplistic overstatement of the true facts.

It’s a phrase now that is embedded into the legal speak that goes on in Family Courtrooms everywhere when access/visitation denial by anything from a mildly angry to an extremely malicious mother. And therein lies the problem. By not characterizing the seriousness of the problems appropriately and accurately, a divorced dad loses credibility when he doesn’t distinguish between:

(a) Manipulation and/or alienation;

(b) Moderate, severe, extreme, fanatical forms of manipulation;

(c) Moderate, severe, extreme, fanatical forms of alienation.

Accurately portraying through evidence which pigeonhole your child’s symptoms seem to suggest tends to demonstrate reasonableness on the fathers part, which naturally confers credibility on that evidence because it does not come across as a distortion or exaggeration of the facts.

When a malicious mother ramps up her campaign of hatred to the point that the children are seized with an OVERWHELMING irrational fear of the father following separation and/or divorce PAS becomes a distinct possibility, but it is unlikely beforehand.

So what is overwhelming fear?

It does not include any fear that is superficial. The typical kind displayed by many children who either can and/or can’t explain their fear, but don’t act in a manner consistent with those fears.

Here’s an example of consistency that borders on fanatical: A child who is cowering in the corner, even when fully protected in a supervised access center with social workers, still refuses to try and have a relationship with their dad.

Usually children such as these have been so poisoned by a mother ingratiating the child into their world view through parentification: The process where a child is made a confident of a mother and where sharing of how dangerous daddy is takes place in a sophisticated and subtle way that is far beyond a child’s abilities to understand, appreciate and fend off.

At the simplest level, manipulation that is not constantly sustained lacks depth, because it lacks consistent reinforcement at every opportunity possible. I would characterize this as the typical tactic of an overwrought mother not necessarily wanting revenge, but who is venting inappropriately through involving their child in their tirades and rants.

Malicious Mommy Manipulation Syndrome begins here and ends when a mother is including hatred and anger with sufficient force to influence a child towards PAS.

I’ve used the above framework to discern for myself what level of manipulation and/or actual alienation is taking place. Alienation always relies upon some form of HUGE lie told to frighten the child such as: your Dad will kidnap you and you will never ever see me again. Then when Dad is tired of you, he will abandon you God knows where. Then some stranger will find you and kill you.

That would terrify any child. And that is where real PAS begins from my perspective.

I remember a conference we had for the National Shared Parenting Association about 10 years ago where there was a young woman, she was about 21 years old, came to speak with us after we did our opening remarks. She was in absolute tears. Her mother had told her that her father was a monster.

This lady was in her mid 20s and for most of her childhood into early teenage and early adulthood, she was told her dad is a monster. I guess when she went out on her own she mustered up enough courage to try and find him and she did. Here was the real shocker. He is a wonderful man, which basically means she was betrayed by her mother. We told her: “You know you are very brave and good for you that you mustered up the courage to go and find your dad and you are reconnecting with him.”

The biggest challenge she is going to face now is learning how to forgive her mother, if that is even still possible. She might not be able to. This is the cost of what happens in divorce. Sometimes children are forced to make a choice between their parents. No child should ever have to do that.

It is not appropriate to wage war over your kids but it is appropriate to wage peace. The best advice that we can give you is to choose happiness over perfection. You and your kids will have a better time for it and likely a better person as a result.

When you face a really difficult situation that seems as if your kids are manipulated or alienated remember this formula when describing it to the Family Court Judge:

Is what you are seeing exhibited in your child:

(a) Manipulation and/or alienation;

(b) Moderate, severe, extreme, fanatical forms of manipulation;

(c) Moderate, severe, extreme, fanatical forms of alienation.

And match your evidence closely to what you describe.

Remember all manipulation and alienation is wrong, but the key to resolving it in Family Court is vigorously exposing it accurately. That’s the beginning of any Family Court Game Plan where these are the main issues facing your children.

Finally, be patient. This form of abuse is difficult to detect, and to prove. It takes time. However having a management system for the diagnosis of the problem will often lead to its solution.

Danny Guspie – Executive Director of Fathers Resources International can help you learn the successful strategies of fathers who have won in Family Court. Join us on our weekly calls at DivorcedDadWeekly.com where we will share with you what works for successful divorced dads.